Breaking Free from Unhealthy Attachment Patterns: 5 Steps to Heal and Grow
By Taylin D. Ramirez
Have you ever found yourself stuck in the same relationship patterns over and over again? Maybe you feel anxious when your partner pulls away, or you tend to shut down emotionally when things get too close. If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. These are often signs of unhealthy attachment patterns that can quietly shape your entire relationship experience.
But the good news? You can unlearn them.
What Are Attachment Patterns, and Where Do They Come From?
Attachment styles are the emotional bonds you form with others, often originating in childhood. Your early experiences with caregivers—how they responded to your needs, comforted you, or left you feeling unheard—can deeply influence how you connect with others in adulthood.
The four main attachment styles are:
Secure: You’re comfortable with intimacy and independence.
Anxious: You often worry about your relationships and need constant reassurance.
Avoidant: You feel uncomfortable with closeness and tend to pull away.
Disorganized: A mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often linked to trauma.
If you fall into one of the insecure styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized), don’t panic. These patterns aren't permanent—they’re learned behaviors, and what’s learned can be unlearned.
The way we’re comforted as children can shape how we connect in relationships as adults. Safe, attuned care lays the foundation for secure attachment.
Step 1: Increase Your Awareness
You can't change what you don't understand. Start by reflecting on your relationship history. Ask yourself:
Do I tend to chase or avoid closeness?
Do I fear abandonment or feel smothered?
How did my caregivers respond to my emotional needs?
Journaling, therapy, or even taking an attachment style quiz can help you gain clarity.
Step 2: Name Your Pattern Without Judgment
Once you recognize your attachment style, name it, but without blame. This isn’t about shaming yourself or your past. It’s about identifying the survival strategies your younger self adopted to feel safe. Acknowledging that is a powerful act of self-compassion.
Step 3: Rewire Your Emotional Responses
Healing means replacing old, reactive patterns with healthier ones. This can look like:
Pausing before reacting to a trigger
Practicing mindfulness when anxiety rises
Learning to self-soothe rather than seeking validation
Communicating needs clearly and respectfully
These are skills you can build over time. And yes, it might feel awkward at first—that’s okay.
Supportive friendships—like these moments of shared laughter—can help regulate your nervous system and reinforce secure attachment patterns.
Step 4: Surround Yourself with Safe People
Healing isn’t a solo job. Safe, consistent people don’t just offer emotional support—they also help regulate your nervous system, allowing you to feel calmer, more grounded, and connected. Curious how this works on a biological level? Check out this short video introduction to Polyvagal Theory, which explains how our nervous system responds to connection and safety.
Building secure attachments often means choosing people who are emotionally available, consistent, and safe. Look for relationships—romantic, platonic, or familial—where your nervous system feels calm, not chaotic.
If you’re in a relationship that reinforces unhealthy patterns, therapy can help you unpack that dynamic and decide how to move forward.
Step 5: Work with a Therapist
A therapist can guide you through this process. Therapy provides a secure space to explore painful patterns and learn new ways of relating. You’ll practice setting boundaries, expressing needs, and rebuilding your sense of self-worth.
Remember, healing your attachment style doesn’t just improve your love life—it transforms how you relate to everyone, including yourself.
You Deserve Safe, Secure Love
Unlearning unhealthy attachment patterns is a journey, and you’re allowed to take your time. It’s okay if it feels messy or if you take a few steps backward. The important thing is, you’re moving forward with intention. Make an appointment today and take the first step toward the love and security you deserve.
Ready to start healing?
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with a licensed professional counselor to get started!
**Call The National Mental Health Hotline at 866-903-3787. You can also call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988. Both numbers are confidential and offer free-of-charge support with trained crisis counselors. If in doubt, call 911
